Inflected Love

By: Jonathan Seidel

Wife resembling mother: Oedipus complex as a desire of comfort and values transferred 

Oedipus complex is an inappropriate lust for one’s mother. The myth tells of a prophecy that a son would marry his mother. He was shunned and almost killed. Exiled he became a warrior. He killed a man in battle and eventually married his widow. The man was his father and the widow his mother. The prophecy came true and his fate sealed. One message is the power of fate. Fate cannot be overhauled no matter how much one tries. Any divergence will be realigned in the long run. It is inevitable do not try to outrun such destiny.

Freud explained this on a psychological level. For him, the myth had a deeper sexual meaning. He believed that it was man’s desire to kill his father and sleep with his mother. A jealously for his mother’s love and a desire for her. A rationally disgusting feeling but one meted in the unconscious. While man may not act on this, there is a fantasy laced in the unconscious that secretly wishes this. Sexuality is keen to a menacing fault. It is a destined reaction in the masculine hierarchy.

Negative associations are predicated on the unwarranted fantasy. A repressed desire. Freud fails to explain why this occurs or when this occurs, only what it means. To answer the first question in beginning to reimagine this myth. Freud may be onto something. Accordingly, this is a part of human prerogative. Yet for what reason does this emerge? Does a son have something against his father? Is this a new form of rebellion? Is there just an innate infatuation with one’s mother? Freud may be correct that this is intrinsic but it may not be for the reasons he assumes.

If anything, it is only inevitable as a reciprocal response. There may be a competitive male spirit. Gotta outshine dad. Though it also may dwell in the innermost sanctum of human relation. A mother is the closest female link a son has. While his father has been slaving away at his job, his mother has cared for him tirelessly through his young life. The closest companion he has is his mother. The whole idea of a momma’s boy is indicative of a deep honed respect for a son’s mother. A principled reciprocation for the care she has bestowed him. This isn’t star-crossed lovers but a one-sided desire. Unrequited love undesired from one side of the aisle. A taboo resting on the unsolicited, unintentional and yet deeply desired. 

An ethical foundation caught in a spiraling dilemma. I love my mother but it is just wrong. Beyond the legal and divine issues, the intuitive and rational deductions spell disaster. My mother is my father’s wife, she is the woman who birthed me. Such illicit compromises utter gross contempt. The moment feels peaceful but afterward crawls in disgust. The infatuation fantasizes but for a brief moment. Ecstasy in the dubious absurd. Reflecting on the desired insanity. A stimulated assault on the social fabric and familial hierarchy. The moral standard is squashed by a love deeper than a creeper on the street. Justified in the emotional longing for a woman who has showed him such grace. Fantasizing a woman who has loved him his whole life. He is not neurotic but happily inebriated by the woman who raised him. 

A son’s love is monstrous in the ethical continuum. Boundaries are necessary. Yet his love is not exploitative nor deranged. He is simply returning the favor. He has received her love for so long. Caring for him through his childhood. His feelings heightened by the enduring emotional linkage. The love is mutual even if imbalanced. Intimacy is the subjective genre insidiously overjoyed by the son while purely manifested by the mother. Intentions are asymmetric. The mother is doing her due diligence to raise her son but the affection is like no other for the son. Such care is unique embroiling a deep emotional longing for his mother.

Despite the moral qualms, the inevitability on the Freudian side carves an “animalistic” lust to be overcome with rationality. He does not desist from divulging the ripe age this feeling emerges. A feeling double knotted to his ontology. There are a few possibilities: toddler, grade schooler or teenager. A toddler may endorse these feelings but on a more superficial level. For the toddler, he is slowly weaning off of mommy’s breast milk. Spending all his time with his mother. His closeness turns patriotic. His father is his competition, fighting for his mother’s affection. The biological format recognizes the presence of another man who wishes for his mother’s attention. Acting instinctively, he looks to his mother for superior recognition. A brief skirmish that vanishes as independence and cognitive capability develop. 

The toddler’s usurping attempt is cute with little consequences. Yet the grade schooler’s resurgence is his puberty stage. His rational intellect meets the irrational emotions. He begins feeling for others. Strong emotions for others. Hypersensitive to their actions. Uncontrollable yet directive. It is upon this maturity that his taboo re-enters the frame. The first love is his mother. He has matured and returned home. Seeing his mother in a whole new light. His emotions clouding the moral apathy. Desiring an intimate connection with the woman who provided him everything. Crushes are one-sided. Yet this crush is unique. There is a mutual connection but the magnitude is asymmetric. A crush harmonizes the fantasy of another. The greatest other is his mother. Never going to happen and yet creeping through his mind.

Maturing grade schoolers are no experts in consolidating their feelings. They are fleeting expressions of nurturing development. Sexuality and hormones are regular assets. Women become prospected mates. The closer in vicinity becomes the foremost target. Unrealized feelings with an uncertain exposure. The mother becomes the first victim of this unknown. Yet the childish notion holds the simple emotion closely. Teenagers grasp the intimate act. Feelings are processed through expression. Sex is the ultimate expression of love and desire. The son who wishes to fuck his mother is clinically insane. Yet given the gradual affection received, it is no wonder the sexual affinity is produced. Whether it is acted upon or not, is of little relevance. The mere thought is cascaded with years of attention and consideration. Teenagers up the ante. Thoroughly enacting the sexual product into the feeling.

What does this all mean? If Freud is correct, this is genetic. It is a human response to the biological drive for reproduction and communion. Instinctively, toddlers challenge the paternal ownership, grade schoolers feel immature singularly emotions and teenagers desire the fulfillment of the act. The mother is an increasingly central influence on the son. His reciprocity is a direct reaction to her care. Asymmetric but understandable given the immaturity. In the Freudian view, this isn’t wrong nor weak. Though in this further analysis, it is a natural response to enteral love imbalanced. A misunderstanding of intent or a misconstruing of intent. The biological markers may rearrange the intent to fit with a desired outcome. To be loved accordingly.

It thus no shock that sons marry girls that remind them of their mother. Whether the son is aware of his wife’s similarities or not. Some may be superficial others much deeper. The son redirects his affection for his mother to a girl. A girl that reflects his mother. Whether in values or interest. He can’t be with his mother so he must cultivate a clone. A companion that comforts him and cares for him in the same way of his youth. She need not be identical but provides the same mechanisms. It is beautiful even if somewhat gross. It is a familiarity motto. His mother was the closest woman now his wife is. His wife is his projection of his mother. 

He has left the home, left his mother. Accepted his father has won. Respectfully thanking his father for teaching him how to find a wife. His father is no longer a rival but a sage. Finally seeing his old man’s genius. He searches for a woman like his father before him. Crediting his father with the correct attributes that landed his mother. Meeting a girl that represents his old life that can build a stronger network. The famous lines in Genesis reflect this: “a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his life and they shall become one flesh”. Leaving his home to begin a new one is transitional. He takes from his old place to his new place. His wife is a stranger but the matured seeker finds camaraderie in her values. Isaac brings Rebecca into his mother's tent loving her finds comfort after his mother's death. A stranger as of minutes ago is altered in his eyes. Lonely, grieving and struggling in her absence is comforted by a new woman resembling his mother. 

How much of this is genuine? Not entirely certain. Do all sons wish to fondle their mother? Does this depend on the level of relationship? Does this work inversely with daughters to their fathers? Just because there is probably an extensive porn channel does not mean this is common. It may be a weird fetish. Maybe this applies to incels or extreme momma’s boys. There was a scene in Modern Family where Lilly wishes to marry her father Mitchell. An obvious cute ploy for a daughter princess to ask of one her fathers. Yet Manny’s relationship with Gloria is respect and love. It may depend on the relationship. If it is a natural condition it may explain girls with daddy problems. Searching for that missing comfort elsewhere. It is possible this condition is subconscious just acting impulsively.

Nonetheless, beyond the gross collaboration and messy desires there is some psychological explanation. The myth may stem from more allegorical Piaget development than an actual fated message. This also goes beyond Freud’s sexual primacy. It is not sex but relation. Comfort and concern. Even if Freud is correct about the ontological notion he is wrong about the rationale.