Birth-day

By: Jonathan Seidel

Birthdays celebration and dread (Cioran, trouble, 6, 8)

The episode of Rachel turning thirty is filled with anxiety and misery. After many years of fun and enjoyment through the seasons of Friends, her thirtieth birthday marks a reflective axis. Where she has been and what her future holds. Here, the birthday switches from youthful joy to mature agonising. The nourishment of sleepovers is now marked by one day closer to frailty. 

The episode begins with Rachel’s anxiety and follows the other friends and their thirtieth birthday memories. Each one admits to the memorial disaster and anxiety ridden difficulty in recognising that age. None of the friends seem to have encountered thirty blissfully, all trying to be children. All trying to hold onto the alluring past. A recognisable hint to the growing pains of adulthood. Expectations not yet met and fear of the unknown lay ahead. Thirty is a ripe age in today’s age for finally pulling it together. Starting a family and establishing a profession. An age of reflection that neither friend has seemingly eclipsed. Struggling with their own woes and failures. The plot is sorrow and sullied by the stormy immaturity. Each friend attempts to make amends with their struggles and look positively toward the future. An optimistic swing to a bleak disaster. Ross points out that in ten years they will all be forty and Joey breaks down. A horror in the ears of imperfection and closer to the end. Growing with the existential dread is disturbing recalling the death clock as the years linger by. 

The episode marks a developing phobia of getting older. Attaining adulthood clashes with evolved maturity. Recognising the failed expectations only haunts the grower. Age is a part of human existence but it does not reduce the emotional turmoil suspended in the mind. It doesn’t evaporate the suffering prevailing the individual. The phobia is not all that illusionary. While it is dramatised it is all too real to the sufferer. Life is getting more complex. It is becoming more burdensome. One’s birthday is the day of reckoning. It is the day of reflection as the celebration proceeds. Birthdays are all about the years one’s existed. All that they have gained and accomplished. It is the material aspect that is concentrated. This for Rachel is daunting. She feels overwhelmed with her lack of achievement. Feeling deprived and wasteful in her encounter with accepted maturity. Her fear is deduced from her observational insolence. From how she perceives her peer’s growth. Yet each of them recognises their own futility.  In their own words failure has followed them. They have yet to make it.

Children do not feel this way. They are ignorant of the futility that will arise in the later years. Engulfed in the enjoyment of the ego. Centred attention in a selfish ease for growth. There are cases of childish hatred of birthdays from traumatic past whether it be bad parents or no friends. Yet for many children their birthdays were filled with additional care and attention. It was a day about them. Now their siblings would have to see them as the chosen child. It was a day of absolute acceptance and generosity. Attention from everyone else brought a smile of respect and dignity. A birthday party followed suit with all singing praises. Everyone visited the birthday boy and everybody participated in allegiance to his day. The joy of childhood was revelling in overwhelming support and love. People going out of their ways to congratulate on the precious day of birth. The growth aspect was a part of more extensive partying. How to fully engage others in your own day. Contributing to demonstrate their ultimate love for the birthday kid. 

Celebrating as a child is to be elevated above others. A selfish tactic for attention and recognition. The child feasts in the royal palace. Fondled over for the entire day. Special breakfast with remarks of elated joy. Popularity in school is like no other. Kids never spoken to say the classic phrase. The only words recalled are these quoted lines memorised each year. Children think it is nice to wish others happy birthday and the birthday kid feels good hearing it. Indulging in the regal affair he thanks them with a smile. He will never speak to them ever again but in that moment he feels like a king. Feeling beloved and concerned for. Lacking responsibility for anything. It is all provided for. Mom makes the special breakfast and drives to school late. Greeted by friends and teachers alike wishing the almighty phrase. They may as well bowed in respect, to their majesty. After school dad picks up the cake and at desert it is placed in front to momentarily gage his own prestige before devouring it with a smile. He is temporarily on top and then the day ends. The following morning everything returns to normal. For a day he was royalty and as quickly returns to peasantry. 

Adults see their birthdays differently. Maturity reduces the age of irresponsible fun. Even to go out with friends to a bar is limited by the scope of availability. Maybe a friend or two show up and maybe they only stay for an hour. Responsibility for family or a job requires one to suspend their enjoyment and their selfishness for others. A husband may treat his wife and even older children may do the same for their parents but regal sensation is youthful. It is heavily reduced to the family. Friends may reach out and the connectivity spawns conversation. There is a moment of solidarity. Friends feeling obliged to reach out and congratulate yes the opportunity to extend and find out how life is. A once a year token to catch up. The birthday adult enjoys the company but it is not as simple to respond. While a husband may treat his wife for breakfast they both must head for work, the children must be driven to school. Everyone is on their own schedule preoccupied with other than the birthday. 

Everyone desires recognition but some require it less. Maturity is the acceptance of independence. A wife doesn’t generally require the attention that a child does. The birthday experience is different. The mother has experienced her share of birthday parties. The youthful spirit was a past-time. She adores her husband’s overwhelming attention but it is temporary as he kisses her on the cheek as he grabs his stuff to work. Some coworkers may acknowledge the birthday but it isn’t the drama of the school-years. There is a youthful spirit to send a text but it is selective. From friends that know you, though in the social media age, reminded of someone’s birthday and sending out a confirmation is super easy. There may be more quantitative messages but far less quality. There is a higher level of recognition even in adulthood because the information is out there and recalled to everyone but the actual recognition is inferior. Adults are also involved in their lives and have little time to delve or even care for the recognition. The point of maturity is to enjoy the independence even at expense of dispelling the joy of birthday indulgence. 

In some regard, the reflective axis is relative. There are ages where reflection has a stronger pull. Turning twenty five is bigger than turning twenty six, turning fifty is bigger than forty. Not all birthdays are equal, some have more emotion than others. These bigger ages act as milestones. Reflecting on the past. Where has my life gone and where do I wish to be. The inquiry marvels in the mind of the struggler. For many their routines cost much of their time. Many a time not aware of the day or date. Birthdays are a pause to the routine. The routine freezes to focus on you. The world keeps going and the routine is still obligatory but a mental note comes to the forefront. Acknowledging the growth is at the same time a denial of presence. Wowed by the realisation. Jokes about old age begin at the quarter mark. Feeling older than some friends. In a class of your own. A quarter of life has been completed. Amassed with the responsibility post-university only heightened the dilemma. Only three quarters to go. What are the goals? Where do I hope to see myself in the near future? Inquires that haunt and privilege those wishing to outlast their fate.

Birthday is a reminder of aging. The quarter milestone only figures to reckon with the youthful spirit. Body is still at full capacity for most. Able to enjoy single life with ease. It is the beginning of responsibility on the heels of irresponsibility. Slowly weaning off of the dependable nature. Maturing gradually in the process. For others it is a reminder of the despot. A undesirable continuation of hell. Responsibility has pervaded their life for some time. Married young or elderly parents. Already forced onto the accountable scene. Though still the youth is present. A nexus between youth and adulthood encapsulates the paradigm shift. Attention seeking is salvaged by mature independence. Shoving the yoke of desire off one’s shoulders. Responsibility takes the initiative away from prowling in external affairs. Birthdays become more about introspection than celebration. What has the new age me accomplished? What can I employ to self actualise? It is not merely a metric of joy because adult knowledge sees the finality in the distant future but cannot erase the intellectual comprehension haunting the soul. 

Stigma of birth is not fully accepted or lamented by others. Many see birth as the most beautiful creation in the world. A child with the cutest soul smiling fills the parental heart with overwhelming joy. There is a clear obliviousness to the inevitable struggles of life. Since living is more satisfying than not. Why wouldn’t others wish to live, yet it quite forced upon them. Thrusting the existential dread in their faces. Most accept their fate and choose to celebrate the joy of their existence. It is good to be alive. Though somewhat misguided in the matrix of belonging. The innocence of youth protects the suffering of maturity. Children’s brains are not developed. They are smart but emotionally deficient. Unable to fully acknowledge the horror that awaits them. Protection from the world at large comforts any possible carnage that may emerge. Childish inexperience paves the way for jolly go-lucky existence. It is the intervention of tragedy that innocence is transformed. An external stimuli abruptly awakes the numbed child into the hellfire of disaster. Overwhelming the once peaceful tranquility with fearful trembling. A birthday is a day of comfort and return to the origin. A day where everything is put aside to ensure the child’s dreams.

4 Step Process

By: Jonathan Seidel

Marcus Aurelius’ stoicism is a gracious attempt to personally achieve excellence against pain. A personal character code to live by. The common stoic theme is the divine destiny. A fate that can only be meddled with will and ambition. To endure beyond all doubt introspecting to grow stronger. Each of the great stoic teachers varied in their approach based on their upbringing: Epictetus a slave, Seneca an advisor and Aurelius an emperor. 

Stoicism relates to a principled endurance. The virtue of life transcended the fated suffering. Satisfaction in emotionless but heartwarming spirit. The goal of consistency and honesty. A growth oriented mindset. Life is a one long roller coaster. One obstacle after another. Each one with a new challenge that causes pain. The pain is overwhelming and destructive. Stoicism seeks to endure. An egocentric yet angelic sensation to the self-centred salvation. The focus on the self is to concentrate on bettering the self. It was not so devilish to the other insofar as the self required introspection to raise ethical standards. The self was responsible for individualistic growth. A model of accountability and insurance of motivation and passion.

Achieving eudaemonia in the self flourishing sense. In their theological motif, they rendered four cardinal virtues to respond to. The ability to reach the eudaemonic state inquired a pathway of constant virtuous expression. Virtue is the centre of their world. Since virtue is quite limited in its own right (prudence, temperance courage and justice). Virtue is the moral framework pertaining to the sole good all else is wrong. The virtuous are qualifiers that benefit the expresser. Virtues that modify behaviour and enlighten the individual. They craft a principled person who seeks brightness and order. Virtues appeal to the natural current and follow the stoic into the bliss of painful tomorrow. The primary natural aspects of knowledge and judgement are manners of personal achievement and regulation. 

There is a list of virtues to follow and vices to avoid. Moulding a certain type of character in line with religious archetypes. Less legalism but still sufficient in organising a model of living. Though not one based in instinct or feeling. Emotions are not on the list of stoic appeasement. Indifference is the motto of an empowered life. Not falling prey to externalities. Not being tied down by the non-virtuous aspects. Important elements to life but instead of seeking unbridled connection, keeping a small distance. Able to maintain individuality. It is not in the so-called psychopathic behaviour. To love another is genuine in the stoic oeuvre. Yet to be so hung up in lovey dovey is to mistaken the true principled mentality. Indifference is the acceptance of personal independence before collateral connections. 

Indifference is central for the uncountable fate. The virtuous elements are the controllable features. Recognising the limits of control and allowing fate to act against the emboldened self. The self can never defeat fate but it can place in a good situation to defend. Natural disasters are imminent. There is no way of stopping their course. Survival is to bravely defend against their destruction. Building a brick house against the big bad wolf will maintain its structure. Precautions taken to maintain the foundation are done to the best of abilities. Sometimes it is not good enough. An unprecedented gust strikes right through the brick house breeching its protective shield. Accepting its providence and rebuilding. The act of destruction or success is a part of life. Externalities come and go, virtues stay to the end. Principles are the core of the self’s being and expressive duty that is transcendent to the temporal aspects surrounding one’s lifestyle. 

What is discernible is the educational guide set out by Aurelius and Epictetus. Both emerged from varied households. One with externalities and one without. Both came to the same conclusion that the externalities were vain to the growth of humanity. The former withdrew to escape his treasure chests and the latter feigned to elude his master’s jewels. The dialectical engagement shows the ironic similarities between the prince and the pauper. Two great men from various fates agreeing on the core nature of human progress. A recognition of one’s place in the world is measured by their self progress in that fate. How the quarterback calls the shots under the coaches’s scheme. The coach presents the situation but the quarterback recognising the defensive shift audibles, sending his tight end in motion drops back and hits his receiver cutting to the sidelines. He could not change the line up nor falsify the defensive plan. The chess board was set up and it was his virtuous response that moved the ball down the field. 

The stoic mentality is thriving within the bounds of the fated existence. Variables have been set and it on the self to navigate those encounters. No one chooses their parents but it is on the self to cultivate a relationship or to walk away. It is not about directing an instruction manual but living according to an honour code. If the parental relationship is toxic find a way to mend that meshes with principles or find a peaceful way out. Endurance is the highlight but is pushing to fix these issues that is elementary. Dealing with the problem is not passivity but action. Though stoicism does not say deal with the problem but accepting the devil if it can be usurped. Eudaemonia is possible for those whose virtue exceeds their externalities. Reframing the issue to mend it correctly. To an extent there is a limit. In the bad parenting situation, reframing to positively spin the circumstances is not the same as leaving home freely at the chosen destiny. 

  

Epictetus was in a position to seek indifference as a slave. He summoned a logos that formulated along the lines of his position. His virtuous life was focused on the slavish possible. Yet this applies to the master too. The relic is not of some metaphysical layout but selfhood. What is true to you, the materialistic excess or the inbred principles. What drives the notion of self determination and ambition. Accepting fate is a step in the correct direction. The metaphysical layout seeks to overcome the improper inequality to rise up instead of accepting the detriment of this reality. A proper stance is to live according to the reality at large. Some are born rich and some poor but drive cannot be measured. Heart cannot be taught only earned. Many things are given in life but for those unfortunate the self preservation is in the strong-willed perseverance. Working hard and pushing forward despite the challenges ahead.

Nietzsche’s stoic relationship does accord with this wilful behaviour. The power of the self to determine the next course of action. No deity nor feeble urge will undermine the self’s quest for serenity. Aurelius’ message is parentally educational. Even as an emperor he resisted dotting on the people. He was a man of integrity. He did not let his riches fool him. Solomonic wisdom intact certified his spiritual virtues. Demonstrating a lineage to preserve the continuity of human development. The self’s desire for moral attainment. Indifferent to material but preoccupied with education. Principle hailed as the facet of his strong critique of symbolic finitude. With all the riches and power, they were nothing to the principled life. Caught up in the social media frenzy and fancy cars with girls flocking to take videos undermines the self’s introspective task. Focused instead on what others think instead of what you think of yourself. A desire to please instead of achieve. 

Stoicism does find some escapism present its philosophy, a cowardly vice but the slightly adverted matrix is the reflective aura of personal growth. While the classist society is mitigated there is still a symbolic motif that is greatly denied in the democratic world. Freedom is the illusory symptom of a constitutional enterprise. Markets cultivate winners and losers but many losers were losers to begin with. Stoic principles arguably further the deterministic enterprise not the apparent self-help billionaire 101 tactics but in the recognition that systems are bred and fate is determined even if the societal picture is a two hundred year social construct. Racism in America is a byproduct of slavery a recent longstanding event in history immortalised in one race unlike other national diversified serfs. Can virtues overcome the systemic obstacles suspending and suppressing any innovation? Can the individual excellence bring change to the world? 

A classist society had no hope. Freedom was not an illusion. It was not a possibility. The social construct was held firm by legal avenues. Dogmas hurled themselves into the wedges of the steel gates. The current social order is held together by ignorance and static. Freedom is the hallmark of the constitutional effort. While it has not stood up absolutely for all and many attempt to reduce its prowess, strides have been implemented. Freedom becomes implemented adequately when activists inherit that spark that leads the legal voices. Holding the institutional words accountable. If all men are created equal then they better be treated equal. The stoic imbibes virtue but others must also comply. The virtuous society already condemned to the social frame may not overturn the deeply flawed model. A possible retribution but not entirely damning in its innovative clause. 

The veil of freedom in the deterministic picture does not mean that change cannot occur. Paupers can become princes but not everyone can. There is not a simple way to graph this oscillation. Some are lucky but the pathway is existent. Traffic has cleared but many are still trying to get their cars straight. The paradoxical nature confuses the citizenry. Especially the better off who struggle to understand the difficulty of achievement. They see a pathway but they do not see the barricades a mile behind them. Yet at the same time the efforts to liberalise do come at a price of excessive autonomy. No rules or regulations. A jargonist scheme of idiotic self imprisonment. Freedom to choose is an escape to liberate from the formally binary dogma. A new social age that liquidates the rigidity of old.

The stoic mentality does not care for such chaotic belligerence. it may take determinism a little too far. Synchronising a genuine coping mechanism with the drought of innovation. Yet the virtuous in numbers are a powerful adversary. This is not an issue by issue basis. Instead it is a principled model of doing what is right and genuine reflection. Not playing along with social cues because that is what is demanded. While the effort to cope does little to actually fix the issue, the lessons attained are to express not harbour ill. Virtues are the base for proper expression. Enduring is a basis for the difficult trials lying ahead. Indifference to the dubious elements finds serenity in the heart. Cowardice is frowned upon. To make a difference is to be indifferent to the nagging disgust. Live by one’s own terms to reach the eudaemonic sensation deconstructing one symbolic order for a substitute with new rules. 

The social construct is control of change, as is much of life. Change is evolutionary and will eventually lead to a form of change till perfectionism. Such perfection is implausible in the ultimate historicism. It is a crashing wave waiting to happen. The wave will splash recede and then return as a new problem. Principles will not change though. Reflection will forever be an undeniable necessity for human progress. It is not a shot at the ailing mismeasures in society. There are a great deal of troubles but these are all temporal. They will move on and something devious will replace. It comes down to the principles that mark a difference. Instilling them will benefit and potentially provide potent education to alter a generational mentality. Focusing on being is necessary to the thriving nature that focuses on character. Concentrating on essentials rather than assets.    

Absurd Abnormalities

 

By: Jonathan Seidel

The absurd life illusion: a reflective guru

The reflective individual recognises the absurdity of life. He no longer naively upholds the doctrinal assessment so emboldened in his collectivist neighbourhood. Weary of the detrimental existence he concedes to its brazen fallibility. Positivity emerges from his acceptance, calmness entering his nostrils and filling his belly with warmth. He has reached the edge of finitude looking back on its radical crystallisation.

An individual so habituated to the program does not recognise the endless pattern. He does not realise his actions are copied across the board. Human society is a refracted mime. A mimicking fool concerned for conformity. Systematic facilitation is not parcelled in the cognitive sphere. Organismic routines take hold unaware of their shared criteria. All vying for the same goals to be realised. Battling one another for that spot. The nourished complacency is not concealed. Chipped to ascertain a hopeful future filled with wealth and joy is relayed heavily in media fortune. The monolithic lens is committed to memory and expressed in daily action. The global synergy unifies a comfort to engage in said action. Nothing is irregular. The difficult life is a challenge but is trudged through nonetheless. It is lambs to the slaughterhouse. All walking in the same direction with no thought of an alternative. If everyone is walking in the same direction it must be the correct path. A naive and neglectful outlook feeding the dogmatic echo chamber. 

A traumatic event whether in agonising physical or emotional isolation invites the individual to seek a varied outlook. The chaotic absurdity of normative existence questions one’s allegiance to prior convictions. How to move forward. How to persist in the detriment of severed optimism. So stooped in the past dreaming of fluid continuity. Life is orchestrated in a specific avenue. Fate and destiny are intertwined. There are alterable angles and unalterable ones. Options are placed before us and it is this agenda that necessitates the direction to live. Either accept or hide in the forest dreading the docile continuation. The regulation of desired fortitude is measured by the opportunities presented. Take it for societal cohesion. Life is encapsulated with a paradigm for some symbolic adventure. The ultimate goal is reach, the pinnacle of materialistic gain. A path is paved and the instructions are laid out by various moguls whether In the classroom or YouTube blueprint. A prayer to the hopeful future is ingrained for societal appreciation. 

Allotting to forgo the societal invasion is to bypass the secretive information craved to get ahead. The red-pilling reaches the same desired goal the cinematic dream promises. The wholehearted American dream is heightened by guru influence. Both sides are pushing for the same value. One side may be sharing top-secret information that others may be suppressing does not change the will for the result. The core is maintained. The commodity shifting but still a commodity at the end. The pursuit is simultaneous, just after a new object. Acting in a specific way to attain the level. The frame is all-inclusive. A holistic picture of mending ideals on both sides of the coin. To have or not is still to aspire for it ideally. The realistic outcome has nothing to do with the realised limit. If the tools were afforded it would be captured immediately. It is is the weakness to achieve for a number of various reasons. As long as the ideal remains the fantasised aspiration, it lingers in the jealous heart of the downtrodden.

Aspirations are important but for a monolithic goal will only lead to misfortune and unrealised expectations culminating in unnecessary frustrations. Weaning this yoke for different goals does not shed the skin entirely. It is the second best, the current best. This is the weak minded. Preferring a different reality but dealt a bad had too stooped in sorrow to overcome. A hole in the heart that cannot be filled sufficiently. The attempt will persist but it will be a mischievous lie. A self hypnosis, a daze to cease the overwhelming yearning. A longing lingering in the depths of the soul. A raging jealousy chained by a false cover up. Hiding true insecurities with a new valued life. A deceptive tone to others and persistently maligning self character. His genuine transition must alter his entire outlook and in the best situation concern himself with none of his past desires. A remodelled individual emerges. This fake till you make it scheme is a guise to trick the self into a new ideology he was too weak to garner. It will not hold especially when things look up and he’s back on the road to the peak. 

Alongside the path for a brief moment, turning around is a cowardly move. If he truly changed he will jump. Jumping down is a mark of full concession. A fall to a new beginning. Crawling down is moving in the same arrangement. Congruent lateral movement is a temporary pause. Wrap the self in a coat to keep warm in the burdensome windy winter weather. Covering up conceals complacency with commitment to the congressional conduit. Veiling true aspirational feelings with the current difficulty at his nine to five job. Hoping for that promotion upgrading to the next level. Climbing the mountain grabbing the rope with his might demonstrating his skill. He’ll huddle up until his body warms up energetic to move up again. The lie is an internal dilemma. How to maintain confidence in the competitive atmosphere riddling his chances of major accomplishments. He keeps trying when given the chance awaiting his boss to call his number. The bench player sitting patiently for his coach to put him to the game. A fire is lit in his eyes awaiting his moment to take charge. 

Absent the societal pressure there is no desire to weave into the null greed of raising that chance. Amidst the journey he daydreams of an alternate reality. One not muddled with this carnal instinct for recognition. This moment of otherness is dangerous. Hypothetical ecstasy is a theoretical fantasy until realised. Until implemented into his life. The pragmatic turn in actualisation alters the course of his life. He becomes someone different. Leaping into the abyss he is truly off the mountain. He no longer plays by society’s rules. This outsider mentality is dangerous to others. He is perceived differently. While someone may veil his intentions with new goals, through conversation and body language, his true passion will be divulged. He will be exposed. The leaper is on a different island. He does not speak but acts entirely differently. He has constructed a new organic lifestyle. It is not just a saying but a way of living. He may recall the old merits tempting him but his routine diagnoses a disinterested motion. A full rejection for a newfound discord.                 

  

After the change he is an outcast by all standards. He does not poach nor preach. He lives his life isolated from the nonsense as he perceives it. He does his thing while everyone else does theirs. Fed up with the simulated society he refutes it in his heart, crippling it in his soul. His ideal is his stoic veracity. His path is his own. The first in messing the grassy path unpaved and unmarked. He trots through the forest. He does not adhere to the concurrents screaming at him. He puts in his headphones and pushes forward. It is a consequential disassociation filled with lonely questing. Listening to his inner voice empowering him fuelling his tired leg muscles to keep moving. He is not satisfied in his current state. Searching for his own goals disconnected to the group’s motto. He lives by his lingo. An isolationist by trade funding his own career and merits. 

Adorning his own crown praising his worth in the futility of life. His confidence and worth are his motoring ideals. His aspirations are individualised in an autonomic blessing. A self mechanical formulation. His lucky stars sounding the clarion call as he passes through town. He will encounter others still hoping for that reward to reach the top of their game. He has given up chess for checkers. He is in an entirely different world mentally. Objectively everything is the same. The same sky, coffee and bars but nuanced subjectivity. A perspective strengthened by the internal mind’s force for its isolating journeying. An anarchist ensuring he is not tied down to any institutional frame. Leaving the scene entirely for his own future. There are still rules but he chooses the direction. He follows the same laws governing but the details of everyday hopes are monitored by the soul not external instructions. He builds his lego house not how the operator says. Reviling the directives forced upon the individual to follow to the letter. 

Actively ignoring attempts to bring him back. He cannot escape the media frenzy fail safe. The slogans are everywhere in every discussion. Creating a mass delusion for uniformity and order. A renegade with little upside. Personal integrity and honest identification are solely prideful moments for him. Onlookers may respect the conviction power but disregard the conviction content. A loner and a reject with no rationale to include, just ignore. He will realise his futility in no time. Abandonment is a consequential act. There won’t be much cheering nor praise to continue down the lone wolf track. It is to the wilderness away from the synchronised village. Leaving may be seen as a superiority trope marring any charismatic influence. He will encounter dissenters and sceptics but it is his personal confidence that is necessary. His success hinges on his willingness to forgo the external concern. He must leave behind in order to move forward. This isolation only breeds resentment from his fellow countrymen. He sticks out like a sore thumb and aggravates others with his existence. 

Asserting himself is neither an active preacher role but a passive existence. He merely wears his convictions branded on his forehead. He is who he is, unaffected by the stimulating coercive ideas surrounding him. He reaches peacefulness by living his true self. It is not true peace as he marginalised by his own fellows. He is by no means tranquil in his encounters. They look at him with scrutiny and scepticism. Way to be a loser they say. The outsider is ridiculed for his alien beliefs. Isolation haunts him but he is too principled to be overpowered by emotional distress. Mental abuse is symptomatic of an expectation. Frustration and loneliness emerge from yearning for consolidation and acceptance. By weaning off of others’ necessity he can reduce his traumatic alienation. He cannot diminish it but can diminish its horrific detail. He need not be a caveman but his cognitive realisation forces him outside the mix prior to social isolation. Finding camaraderie with like minds or consent to aspects of the societal application. 

The Road Always Taken

By: Jonathan Seidel

Reflection at an impasse: active and passive conformity

Reflective aura emerges with traumatic encounters. A moment of looking inside is when the outside is too dim to stare. An obstacle standing ahead of the journeyman scares him inside his shell. Introspection becomes a pep-talk of sorts to inspire the self to move forward. It is at the moment of introspection he makes his decision whether to conform or confirm. 

An impasse reached by everyone at periodic points of life. How one proceeds from that depends on convictions. It is an inevitable encounter. Brushing up against a query of persistent annoyance. To accept or reject the confronting challenge. A moment to stage a stand against the current or be washed away by the wave’s strength. A fork in the road to choose one’s destiny. Each person is questioned concerning their next step. That moment is a reflection of one’s own confidence. Whether or not seriously challenges one’s belief is less about retaliation and more about peer pressure. Willing to fit in at the cost of one’s individuality. A collectivist comfort is worth conceding self action for a brighter acceptance. Wishing to not remain sidelined by his negatory effect. If he wishes not to play ball he will be alone. The loneliness is not worthwhile. The compromising influence in one’s own challenging self esteem. To assist or to resist. 

The choice is the individual’s but it does not feel as such. The prevailing power sucks out the autonomy from the confident self. Attempting to master his own flesh collapsing in an overwhelming avalanche. A wave of crumbling rocks trap his ego in submitting to the external aid to retrieve him from the rubble. Trapped underneath he is paralysed unable to save himself. Beginning to think his arrogance was his downfall. If he only followed orders this wouldn’t have occurred. His demise was by his own hand. His negligence led him to this awful state buried beneath. His calm quick-witted demeanour transitioned to a destabilising claustrophobic insanity. Fear escapes into his body uncertain of his future. Regretting choosing his own path he hopes for his friends to save him. Hoping they have not given up on him. He signed his death warrant but some empathy may ensure his survival. He shrieks in horror crying for salvation. He is rescued by his admission. His promise that he will maintain the course of everyone else, never veering off. 

His swift stumble is enough to change his mind. He owes a debt to those who saved him. His conformity is that price. Giving up part of himself in order to maintain order. His punishment is cohesion. Sounding attractive on the surface is uniform integrity dismissing otherness. He loses his own solitude for collective reform. An irony to his own failure. His first attempt at solitude faulted in a manner of seconds. To honour his misdeed he concedes. He recedes back to the group conscious, away from his subjectivity. Such thoughts are solely theoretical in his mind. Expressing a status quo marring any more singular adventures. The narrow-minded individualism falls short of prosperity. Bending the knee to the collective he is readmitted into the fold. A scary world outside easy to fall into a pit and be left to rot. Not wishing for an inescapable demise he rallies himself around those who can protect him. 

The lonely journey is not a blissful experience. Declaring the solo quest is a statement to not be bothered. While the group protests the lone deserter it realises its loss. Walking down the long corridor towards the exist is a momentary query to rethink this decision. Will he turn his back on his fellows. Doing so may reciprocate in them doing the same. This may be a permanent measure unable to take back. One encoded with a deserter title. He cannot foresee the future. He may be re-accepted at a later date but there may be strings attached. In order to qualify for readmission he may need to renounce his desertion and accept their rules. He is playing at a disadvantage. Right now he can choose to stay while maintaining his deviance in his head. Once he is outside the fold nothing short of purity will enable his return. Even if he is permitted to return others may see him differently potentially with scowls and scornful demeanours. 

A desperate move for solitude need be temporary. Conviction is final in this regard. Shunning the comforting collectivism is a stain on one’s reputation. Branded a deserter will bring animosity. Returning a changed man with new aspirations is dangerous. A soulful calling to isolate has repercussions. His decision is one of deep consequences. Starting down a different path will question trust and reliance. He prompts the otherness. He separates from the group. It is his separation spawning grief. Expectations have been thwarted in exchange for deception and desertion. He has let his fellows down. He has disgraced them with lies. They may bring themselves to associate with him but to a certain degree. He is forever changed in their eyes. His deceit cannot be undone. Speaking out of turn in a moment of tribulation is blasphemous. Unable to handle the uniformity he forms his own thinking. A more nuanced look but his deviation is against the law. He is alienated by his desperate escape. 

To avoid this skirmish he renounces these dangerous thoughts. He relents and repents for his sinful behaviour. He instinctively seeks camaraderie. He casts off the constant push over the edge. He cannot allow it to consume him. He seeks comfort in the arms of friends. He will step out of line lest he face the terrible unforeseeable consequences. In a moment of despair he shuns these thoughts for allied strength. He does not wish to be lonely. He pushes against the abandoning feeling. Refusing to rid his current belief system. His integrity at stake, he ignores the call for desertion. He maintains his place alongside his friends. A bold marker to overpower the overwhelming cognition. He sticks to his best option. With others he is comforted. He ceases to be alone. Transcending his guilty conscious for   conformity. Compelling himself in the best direction for his delirious emotions. He recognises the brief chaotic moment. He disallows it to overcome his path. 

Desertion is the enemy. Eternal disdain is too much for him to handle. It cannot be the truth. Alone in the world with an irregular view is too foreign. His experience is a moment of weakness. He must take charge discharging this devilish ideal. For his own acceptance he relishes in extinguishing the demonic alien. It is an evil trying to capture him in his pitiful state. The devil himself using this moment to tempt him off the righteous path. Outside the fold is wrong. No one else lives that way, it cannot be true. The writing on the wall is a mere illusion generated by the devil to bring him to the dark side. It is a trick, witchcraft to turn on his friends. He will not abandon his quest for solidarity. He entrusts his future to the group over his now intuition. He begs the group to save him. To raise him from the illusionary hellfire. His schizophrenic mania is a devilish tactic but he will prevail. 

There is a difference between the chronic patient impasse and the average Joe. The latter enters the fork periodically. A decision is not so difficult, he forgets it in time and so the fork is foreign to him. Persistent trauma scours mental fortitude to maintain necessary norms. The haemorrhage assault nags into a raging cynicism. Is one thing to reach an impasse once but a cyclical manifestation is tedious and tiresome. It is a never-ending nightmare. One that when the day ends it restarts at the same point. He is living a cinematic drama reliving the struggle. He cannot exceed the bordered loop. There is no moving forward, that is merely an illusion away from the pain. One is caught in a loop to maintain the status quo or go insane. There is no escape, he is stuck in an eternal circle. Only medication and self esteem can shed the prison he has found himself in. He can begin to rebuild as long as mind numbing externalities reduce the horror mediating in his soul. 

A grieving ex in time will overcome the trauma. It is easier to ignore the tell signs by reinserting the self back into the fold. The brief alienation barks ideas of further alienation. His transition back to society is intentionally cleansed of these impure thoughts. When he neither is in a relationship nor single mentally he is preoccupied with dreading on the past. He has yet to accept his reality. Once he is able to forcefully he moves on. He returns to the mentality he was before he was in the relationship. While the relationship may have changed him he chooses to return to the mass ideal. Inserting himself into societal progress. It is in this transitional moment where he can change his trajectory. Does he wish to return the same he was before or an entirely new person. He has grown but does he carry that with him. In order to partake in the societal vision he must give up part of his growth. He accepts societal terms and is rejuvenated with comforting conformity. 

The chronic surviver is an endurer. His life is hell. He is chained to the volcanic ash bruising his skin everyday. He cannot distance himself with foreign preoccupation. Such a temporary measure only receives the pain ten folds. He is at a lost. He is accosted perpetually by the mumbles in his ear to absolve societal nonsense. He has sufficient time to listen carefully to the words pronounced on his chest. His pain opens up his aural capacity for deep immersion. He hears a call and places his ear close to the wall. The whispers become louder. He no longer ignores them. If he is stuck he may as well listen. This permission pounces on him lecturing him on societal failure. He cannot tell if this is an illusion or lunacy. It becomes real to him. His isolation only frequents their chatter and bolsters their resilience. He relives his abyss daily and with his energy sapped he gives an ear to these words. The impasse is not a one time thing but a daily encounter. As if he relives the same day with no way out. 

Persistent voices with their blasphemous tongue to isolate are not prophetic nor inspiring. The absurd in no way rallies a magnitude of energy to begin a revolution. His pain sidelines him. His chronic condition finds sympathy with the disregarded voices. Becoming allies he begins to listen to them. Yet in his weakened state he is unable to execute anything drastic. These voices tend to his wounded heart. In his grief the voices provide comfort. Alone and away from others, they are the resilient messaging. Chaotic reality is synergised in his mind finding an ounce of solace. The cycle is not broken as the words continue. He cannot escape so he accepts the situation. The loop keeps him at arm’s length by others. He recognises his own limits and restricts others access. He is alone with the voices to stoically manifest and gradually develop his survival strategy. Pessimism and nihilistic tendencies emerge but it is his confidence in his own responsibility to thrive.