Reflection at an impasse: active and passive conformity
Reflective aura emerges with traumatic encounters. A moment of looking inside is when the outside is too dim to stare. An obstacle standing ahead of the journeyman scares him inside his shell. Introspection becomes a pep-talk of sorts to inspire the self to move forward. It is at the moment of introspection he makes his decision whether to conform or confirm.
An impasse reached by everyone at periodic points of life. How one proceeds from that depends on convictions. It is an inevitable encounter. Brushing up against a query of persistent annoyance. To accept or reject the confronting challenge. A moment to stage a stand against the current or be washed away by the wave’s strength. A fork in the road to choose one’s destiny. Each person is questioned concerning their next step. That moment is a reflection of one’s own confidence. Whether or not seriously challenges one’s belief is less about retaliation and more about peer pressure. Willing to fit in at the cost of one’s individuality. A collectivist comfort is worth conceding self action for a brighter acceptance. Wishing to not remain sidelined by his negatory effect. If he wishes not to play ball he will be alone. The loneliness is not worthwhile. The compromising influence in one’s own challenging self esteem. To assist or to resist.
The choice is the individual’s but it does not feel as such. The prevailing power sucks out the autonomy from the confident self. Attempting to master his own flesh collapsing in an overwhelming avalanche. A wave of crumbling rocks trap his ego in submitting to the external aid to retrieve him from the rubble. Trapped underneath he is paralysed unable to save himself. Beginning to think his arrogance was his downfall. If he only followed orders this wouldn’t have occurred. His demise was by his own hand. His negligence led him to this awful state buried beneath. His calm quick-witted demeanour transitioned to a destabilising claustrophobic insanity. Fear escapes into his body uncertain of his future. Regretting choosing his own path he hopes for his friends to save him. Hoping they have not given up on him. He signed his death warrant but some empathy may ensure his survival. He shrieks in horror crying for salvation. He is rescued by his admission. His promise that he will maintain the course of everyone else, never veering off.
His swift stumble is enough to change his mind. He owes a debt to those who saved him. His conformity is that price. Giving up part of himself in order to maintain order. His punishment is cohesion. Sounding attractive on the surface is uniform integrity dismissing otherness. He loses his own solitude for collective reform. An irony to his own failure. His first attempt at solitude faulted in a manner of seconds. To honour his misdeed he concedes. He recedes back to the group conscious, away from his subjectivity. Such thoughts are solely theoretical in his mind. Expressing a status quo marring any more singular adventures. The narrow-minded individualism falls short of prosperity. Bending the knee to the collective he is readmitted into the fold. A scary world outside easy to fall into a pit and be left to rot. Not wishing for an inescapable demise he rallies himself around those who can protect him.
The lonely journey is not a blissful experience. Declaring the solo quest is a statement to not be bothered. While the group protests the lone deserter it realises its loss. Walking down the long corridor towards the exist is a momentary query to rethink this decision. Will he turn his back on his fellows. Doing so may reciprocate in them doing the same. This may be a permanent measure unable to take back. One encoded with a deserter title. He cannot foresee the future. He may be re-accepted at a later date but there may be strings attached. In order to qualify for readmission he may need to renounce his desertion and accept their rules. He is playing at a disadvantage. Right now he can choose to stay while maintaining his deviance in his head. Once he is outside the fold nothing short of purity will enable his return. Even if he is permitted to return others may see him differently potentially with scowls and scornful demeanours.
A desperate move for solitude need be temporary. Conviction is final in this regard. Shunning the comforting collectivism is a stain on one’s reputation. Branded a deserter will bring animosity. Returning a changed man with new aspirations is dangerous. A soulful calling to isolate has repercussions. His decision is one of deep consequences. Starting down a different path will question trust and reliance. He prompts the otherness. He separates from the group. It is his separation spawning grief. Expectations have been thwarted in exchange for deception and desertion. He has let his fellows down. He has disgraced them with lies. They may bring themselves to associate with him but to a certain degree. He is forever changed in their eyes. His deceit cannot be undone. Speaking out of turn in a moment of tribulation is blasphemous. Unable to handle the uniformity he forms his own thinking. A more nuanced look but his deviation is against the law. He is alienated by his desperate escape.
To avoid this skirmish he renounces these dangerous thoughts. He relents and repents for his sinful behaviour. He instinctively seeks camaraderie. He casts off the constant push over the edge. He cannot allow it to consume him. He seeks comfort in the arms of friends. He will step out of line lest he face the terrible unforeseeable consequences. In a moment of despair he shuns these thoughts for allied strength. He does not wish to be lonely. He pushes against the abandoning feeling. Refusing to rid his current belief system. His integrity at stake, he ignores the call for desertion. He maintains his place alongside his friends. A bold marker to overpower the overwhelming cognition. He sticks to his best option. With others he is comforted. He ceases to be alone. Transcending his guilty conscious for conformity. Compelling himself in the best direction for his delirious emotions. He recognises the brief chaotic moment. He disallows it to overcome his path.
Desertion is the enemy. Eternal disdain is too much for him to handle. It cannot be the truth. Alone in the world with an irregular view is too foreign. His experience is a moment of weakness. He must take charge discharging this devilish ideal. For his own acceptance he relishes in extinguishing the demonic alien. It is an evil trying to capture him in his pitiful state. The devil himself using this moment to tempt him off the righteous path. Outside the fold is wrong. No one else lives that way, it cannot be true. The writing on the wall is a mere illusion generated by the devil to bring him to the dark side. It is a trick, witchcraft to turn on his friends. He will not abandon his quest for solidarity. He entrusts his future to the group over his now intuition. He begs the group to save him. To raise him from the illusionary hellfire. His schizophrenic mania is a devilish tactic but he will prevail.
There is a difference between the chronic patient impasse and the average Joe. The latter enters the fork periodically. A decision is not so difficult, he forgets it in time and so the fork is foreign to him. Persistent trauma scours mental fortitude to maintain necessary norms. The haemorrhage assault nags into a raging cynicism. Is one thing to reach an impasse once but a cyclical manifestation is tedious and tiresome. It is a never-ending nightmare. One that when the day ends it restarts at the same point. He is living a cinematic drama reliving the struggle. He cannot exceed the bordered loop. There is no moving forward, that is merely an illusion away from the pain. One is caught in a loop to maintain the status quo or go insane. There is no escape, he is stuck in an eternal circle. Only medication and self esteem can shed the prison he has found himself in. He can begin to rebuild as long as mind numbing externalities reduce the horror mediating in his soul.
A grieving ex in time will overcome the trauma. It is easier to ignore the tell signs by reinserting the self back into the fold. The brief alienation barks ideas of further alienation. His transition back to society is intentionally cleansed of these impure thoughts. When he neither is in a relationship nor single mentally he is preoccupied with dreading on the past. He has yet to accept his reality. Once he is able to forcefully he moves on. He returns to the mentality he was before he was in the relationship. While the relationship may have changed him he chooses to return to the mass ideal. Inserting himself into societal progress. It is in this transitional moment where he can change his trajectory. Does he wish to return the same he was before or an entirely new person. He has grown but does he carry that with him. In order to partake in the societal vision he must give up part of his growth. He accepts societal terms and is rejuvenated with comforting conformity.
The chronic surviver is an endurer. His life is hell. He is chained to the volcanic ash bruising his skin everyday. He cannot distance himself with foreign preoccupation. Such a temporary measure only receives the pain ten folds. He is at a lost. He is accosted perpetually by the mumbles in his ear to absolve societal nonsense. He has sufficient time to listen carefully to the words pronounced on his chest. His pain opens up his aural capacity for deep immersion. He hears a call and places his ear close to the wall. The whispers become louder. He no longer ignores them. If he is stuck he may as well listen. This permission pounces on him lecturing him on societal failure. He cannot tell if this is an illusion or lunacy. It becomes real to him. His isolation only frequents their chatter and bolsters their resilience. He relives his abyss daily and with his energy sapped he gives an ear to these words. The impasse is not a one time thing but a daily encounter. As if he relives the same day with no way out.
Persistent voices with their blasphemous tongue to isolate are not prophetic nor inspiring. The absurd in no way rallies a magnitude of energy to begin a revolution. His pain sidelines him. His chronic condition finds sympathy with the disregarded voices. Becoming allies he begins to listen to them. Yet in his weakened state he is unable to execute anything drastic. These voices tend to his wounded heart. In his grief the voices provide comfort. Alone and away from others, they are the resilient messaging. Chaotic reality is synergised in his mind finding an ounce of solace. The cycle is not broken as the words continue. He cannot escape so he accepts the situation. The loop keeps him at arm’s length by others. He recognises his own limits and restricts others access. He is alone with the voices to stoically manifest and gradually develop his survival strategy. Pessimism and nihilistic tendencies emerge but it is his confidence in his own responsibility to thrive.
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